Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Disparture - no its not a spelling mistake!

Ok. So i get it it was my choice to move out here and my decision to be away from my friends and family but this is really beginning to suck. Yes im bi-polar and just yesterday i was over excited and happy about my new life - full of enthusiasm and excitement and now im back to this depressive condition that is taking control of my mind, body and soul (It's emotional!)

My problem is that i'm constantly in competition with everything and everyone, even if they are totally unaware of it. Just today I looked at a friend's facebook page. Shes doing soo well on an internship and she seems so happy about every other aspect of her life. Now don't get me wrong - I am definitely not begrudging her. Shes worked hard and been through a lot so yea she deserves her happiness. My problem is that i feel i too deserve more happiness. Is it just me or does it always seem like there's always sooo much more you could do!?

See my other problem is that no matter what i can't help but think that everyone at home has forgotten me. I'm a lost soul - trying to move forward, but ultimately trapped in limbo, a total place of nothingness. Its tiresome, depressing, saddens my heart and right now i want to cry. Although i am totally aware that i have neither the time or energy to cry and won't, due to the fact that i am painfully aware of the fact, that such actions will change nothing! (i soo deserve the optimist of the year award right?! lol) So ....Yea; im doomed!!! not only am i a cynic but i have come to realise that when stuff sucks there is NOTHING you can do except wait it out. (I'm a pessimist with lots of time on my hands-great!this should end well!) Anyways by all means correct me if im wrong......

So...... this whole situation makes me think about death or any other kind of departure. All are so sad, constantly weeping, making gestures to show how much they miss that person but after a month or two maybe six if you were really close, it fades away.(Maybe not for all but for the majority - keep it real people!) The deep aching in your heart subsides and dissolves until you have a memory with little or no emotions attached to it.(You remember the person but it takes alot more for you to well up) I think that in the case where a loved one or friend has passed this is acceptable but here's my problem..... i'm not dead! Yet i constantly feel like the people who i loved so long and so hard are going through this process of what i will call ....... disparture; a mix of departure and dissassociation. It's like i left and in return they just forgot about me! (I know if i read this i would laugh cos its a bit of a petty complaint but it's my reality and i needed to get it off my chest! I suppose for a change i am not ultimately faced with a question. Instead this is just a reality. (I hear a chorus of 'get over it'.....)

I know its all a bit depressing right? but this is how i feel and im sure alot of other people have been here, so how do you deal with it??

See i've come to the conclusion that the reality is that you don't have to die for people you to dissolve out of people's minds and hearts. It appears that out of sight, out of mind apply's to everything. Or maybe i just wasn't the kind of person that people feel the need to remember?! I duno anymore! Of course im not overlooking the fact that people have their own lives to lead, im just sayin - i didn't realise how easily we can forget people and just get the hell on with life! (ok maybe the comparison to death was slightly dramatic but u get it right.....)

Anyhu I suppose i can see the silver lining of this 'disparturisation'; a new lesson. I think what i'm learning is that people are people (understatement of the year rite!?) anyway no matter how much you may hold on to something or someone, you have no guarantee that they will hold on to you. After all i still have my family and a few peeps who hola, which i should (and will) appreciate more. Anyways in my view its best if, after a while, you just let go!

And its definitely time for me to let go!

Cherie Amour

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Lessons in Transition by Cherie Amour is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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