When theres nothing but fear...........

I'm back...... back in that place of absolute despair, where there is no hope, no light and what seems to be no possibility for a better tomorrow. I thought I had escaped this bottomless pit of confusion and illness but it seems to have crept back to the forefront of my mind, taking over my every thought and feeling.

Back at the end of last year I sank into what me and my friends call "a depression." I put it in quotation marks as none of us are actually medically qualified and i don't want anyone to use this later on in life to prove a history of psychiatric illness (i'm serious ...dont try it) Nehu...... after i lost everything in London, I decided the best thing to do was to get on a plane and get as far the hell away from everything that i knew. I thought that if i left God may have pity on me, throw a bone in my direction and maybe, just maybe..... things would eventually take a turn for the better.

The problem was that I felt lost. More lost than i had ever felt before because i had no plan. What was next my degree was completed and a training contract didn't seem like it was going to appear any time soon. Plus I had this niggling feeling that if only i was just out of that hot darn country, (England) just away from those people who made me sooooo mad that i could feel my blood heating up veins and had to use all the strength in my body not to hurt someone or go crazy, then maybe I would find peace.

For a while i did, when i got my little retail job in New York and my internship, for a few months, until a couple of weeks ago, life was good. I could actually sit on the phone and say to my mum that i was happy, you know that unconditional happiness, where you don't have to put a "but" or any other qualification on the end of it. It was nice, u know..... actually it was blissful.

But now i'm back in that place. I can see time passing by and my birthday is approaching all i can think is what is next for this soon-to-be-22-year old. Yea, some will say 'm young take it easy! And up until a few weeks ago i had finally been content with that form of thinking, however Ive now become re-haunted by the prospect of being a nothingness, yea........... not just a nobody but a nothingness. You see i think it is possible for someone to be less than a nobody, you could be a nothing. An entity that doesn't matter, doesn't make a difference, doesn't feel anything, no emotions, no pain.......... like a robot with no purpose. And you see I have this fear that in years to come when im dead and gone, there is a possibility that someone may say "she was one of those kids with ALL THAT POTENTIAL!!!!" That potential that never amounted to anything. Those grades that never lead to a better tomorrow, all those certificates and no certification that you were actually worthy.

Yea I no its depressing, but the one thing it is, is real.

I turn to all the options and they seem to fill me with a deep, bone chilling fear that causes me to give up before i even start because it seems that rejection or failure is worse than just giving up. At least the latter is a choice that I made, at least if i give up the future of nothingness, it is in my hands, at least i know what to expect and don't give myself some false hope that can be snatched from beneath my feet, without the slightest of a warning. I can feel that moment everytime i try to start something new, i regress to all those letters that say "thanks but no thanks," " we're looking for someone with a bit more experience," "unfortunately ......." and then my stomach turns over, my head starts throbbing i go back to that frozen state of despair. In which i can do nothing except worry .......

If there is a better tomorrow i hope it comes around soon, as i'm not sure i can take much more of this. Its torturous and i learn nothing from these low moments in my life. They simply drain me of all my energy and leave me with a feeling of dread which penetrates my soul!

Maybe i just need something to fill the void......... You know maybe once i land that great job and find me a great guy, then maybe i'll never feel like that again...... bt here' the problem, i sincerely do not believe in happy endings........so where exactly does that leave me. I have to laugh at the idea, that the thought of temporary happiness can actually be of any assistance........... so im left to question........... and ponde.............. and sink. I just hope it doens't get the better of me and that one day i can write an equally long statement about how to get the hell over it!

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