The one

Ok so i was at the end of my tether again this weekend. My boyfriend/x-boyfriend/ unclassifiable other half and I have an extremely complicated relationship especially with me being overseas and all. So i was having a good old banter with "the wise one" aka mummy and we got onto the topic of relationships. Of course we didn't specifically talk about me and my other half, as its important to draw the line between mother and friend..... but that's another story! Anyhu i learnt a few lessons so thought i would share.

If you find them helpful, disagree, love, hate em or even think they are relevant leave a comment by clicking on the comment link below this post.

OK so you know when you have those relationships where you give and give and give and for some reason you never seem to get back what you put in........... that imbalance is not just a display of a lack of effort on one persons part it is also a sign of an imbalance of power. He has all the power and you, well unfortunately all you will end up with is a whole in your pocket and a whole in your wallet!!

What you need to do is understand that if your constantly giving more than you receive the chances are that he/she doesn't want the relationship as much as you do. Yea, I get it your in love, and there is ALWAYS a healthy excuse for why exactly he/she couldn't make it to your show or didn't feel like driving to your house that night, but sooner or later you have to just admit it................. these are excuses NOT reasons!!!

Another thing is this............. you know when you start off in a relationship and sometimes, not always, its smooth sailing, you know easy going, no arguments, no psychotic displays of jealously or rage.......... yea dig deep people......... there you go. Well, after those times pass you are left with the reality of a relationship:

• arguments: if its everyday..... chile get out of dat mess, it is not healthy and its not fair on either of you, plus your dragging out the inevitable.....which is that ultimately one of you will get tired of it and RUN, far far away! either that or someone will end up wid a busted lip......
• stress; every relationship has its stresses, just because it is largely affected by your life circumstances............... if your stressed at work, when u get home who u gna end up irritable at????
  
• decisions; the main one being am i gna stay wit this person or should i pack ma damn bags......

Don't get me wrong, even in the worst relationship you can find some good times, BUT PLEASE, ladies and gentlemen...... boys and girls, do not CONFUSE a bad relationship, with some good times, with a good relationship with some bad times. And let me warn you........ it is a VERY VERY thin line!!!

Anyways the point is that if your a serious person and not a groupie when a relationship gets to that point where you don't know what to do i think you need to ask a series of questions: (and please do not LIE to yourself about the answers.... that's jus plain pointless)

1. Are you in love? There is a BIG difference between being "in love" with a person and "loving" someone, i love ma friends and family but i ain't in love with them, hell theres a possibility you may love some of your ex's but guess wt............. dey ex's for a reason ya dig!
2. Does your path and the one in question's path lead to the same place? In other words are you going to end up wasting 4 years of your life cos while he/she was in uni you were good but now his/her ass wants to move across seas???? (something i myself am guilty of)
3. And this is not a question this is just a fact:

When you are with the person who is the one................. you will know that they are the one!

See the thing is a lot of people just hang around in relationships that are mediocre, you know they are content but never happy, and the problem is that one day you will go out and look for that thing that you are missing then............... BOOM the relationship "dun!"

Here's the thing..... if the sex is WACK now, like you just don't have that connection..... guess what.... the chances are you ain't never gna have that connection then ..............surprise surprise one of you is probably gna cheat............... relationship "dun!"

If he never bought you shit in the beginning........... what you fink is gna happen later down the line........ nothing....... people don't change if they have no reason to, and some people don't even change if they have a GOOD REASON to change!

If he was scarred of commitment before..... what the hell you think he gna say when u wana get a mortgage wit his ass or just a joint account.............. muvafucka gna telll u HELLLL NO!

Anyway i think there are a number of lessons that can be learnt form this but the main one can be summed up as:

When you find the one...... you will know he/she is the one..................... if your if-ing, but-ing and constantly questioning a relationship and having to manoeuvre each week with the skill of a race track professional, you need to be true to yourself, even if you know it may be painful in the short term!

Cherie Amour
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Double friggin standards!!!

Ok, so its all getting better now. I have a job-ish and ma social life seems to be on the up but i was speaking to some guy the other day about open relationships... which i really do not understand!!

You see, from what I can see, the problem is that the guy always has more freedom than the girl when it comes to these kind of relationships. He says "yea shes the one, u no the one that will be the wife, gives me no stress bout talking to girls etc, shes down and when i call shes there." So im like "OK so what if she goes out meets a guy and wants to go out with him for a drink .... or whatever??" ...... n surprise surprise..... His face screws up like someone just told him I shot his mama!! Seriously why is it that guys think that its OK for a gurl to sit around and wait till they have played the field and then ....eventually decide that they want to settle down!(It upset ma soul!) This whole double standards thing is startin to get on ma nerves and i fink gurls need to stop allowing guys to do this shit and fink its bloody normal! because *news flash* it's NOT!

The thing is men have no reason to have this advantage over women! Women like sex too, women are attracted to other men(I don't care how much u love ur man, if u see a fine ass brother in a sexy ass suit, u will go home n fink about what u wana do to him! *halleujah*) , women would love to go out on a fridae night, meet a nice guy, n go on a date with him tuesday night, after she spent the rest of the weeken wid her hubby.... women like a bit of variety too!!!!! I think that men need to seriously put an end to their ignorance!(i no its hard, but try) There is absolutely no reason for you to think that you have some God given right to go out n do whatever you want to just cos ur honest about it. And females if your hubby is doin this shit, talkin bout, "i wana marry u, but tonight don't call me, im doin me"...... u need to put some fear in his rass n make him stop that shit!(See blog below)

Please i'd like to hear it from the point of view of a gurl that doesn't mind her man doin this, when shes knows if she did the same he'd leave her ass quicker than she cud say... "but baby....!"

The way I see it if ur in an open relationship>>>> that means its OPEN for BOTH of you! If you expect to sleep around and then come back to ur gurl... please expect the same behavior from your other half!! Oh yea some gyu sed to me once that it was OK for him to sleep around ........ wait for this..... cos he used prtotection!..... seriously WTF???? (this statement is political is everywhich way n stil..... to this dae i don't understand that shit.... if u freakin someone else thats that, end of the story mate!.... what u want a gold start cos u protected URSELF from some,not all, some STD's! errr nah!)

Actually if i think about it im quite drawn to the conclusion that women in these situation may not actually be as dumb as im finkin. To be honest I know myself, and if ma guy was tellin me dat "ur d wife, but i need to live ma life" shit... i'd be like yea cool, but do ma bizness on the side too.... So tell me is that the way it really works? Are you girls just playin the devoted wife, while gettin ur swerve on?

I think this is maybe a more realistic point of view, especially because women now-a-days are a lot less tolerant of foolishness and are a lot more independent.

Anyhu I fink the lesson I learnt from this little experience is that if your man does not want to commit to you 100% then just do him the same favour! I think people, and this is men and women get hurt in relationships cos they give more than they receive - which has been totally true in some of my past relations. At the end of the day, if you always put in more than you get back you will never be content, cos your always goin to feel like that person owes you something... the problem is they never asked you to give more than they did. Therefore you laid your bed n you gona have to lie in it!!

Anyways just a thought while im sitting here bored out of ma brain and hungry like a dying cat!!!

Peace ;o)

Cherie Amour
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How to keep your man...in line!

OK, so relationships are one of those things that I can't live with, can't live without. Now i'm still young so im not claiming to have any kind of super expert knowledge on relations but what i do know, and have come to know quite well, is how to keep your man in line. Originally I was the bitch from hell that all men were scared of! (lol, at least i think its funny) Then a few of ma gurlies said Cherie, your too hard on the poor sods .... so i eased up.... a bit too much - one muvasucker took the piss!! Which has lead me to the understanding and need for a balance......

So u dn't know me... but let me tell you this ma mouf is loud and if u rub me the wrong way one too many times i'll kick ur ass right into the middle of next week and verbally catsrate you without hesitation. Many may think that using some of these tactics in your relationship may be damaging but it keeps your man in line. Let me explain the rationale: if your nice to his ass 24/7 there is no fear! And without fear there is NO POWER!! and power, ladies.......... is everything. But there is most definately a balance, as much as it would be fun to just ruin his whole life on a daily basis for no reason (lol, i have to laugh cos ive done this several times, J4F*) there must be a balance if you actually want to keep the realtionship going.

Alright so here are the steps: remember this is not a reciepe for making cookies: you have to play with it and incorporate the things that you know your man likes/dislikes and loathes! ;o) The key to this whole thing is NOT to get too serious; if ur laying down the law dn't be smirkin n shit, but at the same time dn't let the 'heated discussion' make u depressed and shit - it's all part of a game - be a player n wen ur done, just chill, work is over; no need to stress!

Alright so first of all in the early stages of the relationship you av to be his best friend. Be there speak to him as much as he needs you to but please (for the sake of the female species) DO NOT SMOTHER his ass! He needs space and the last thing anyone likes is a bitch that is constantly under your feet. Note: it is not cool to call him 8 times a day if you've only known him a week and it is not cool to turn up at his yard at midnight sayin u want a hug, if ur ass was not invited!!! (if u've done this ur mad and u need to allow this behaviour - its sooooo desperate! *cringe* and he will leave you for some with less 'issues')

Ok so now u have a gd rapport the plan of action kicks in. Like i said we must achieve a balance. A balance of nice and evil, kind and mean, hot and cold, happy and angry and finally the most important balance: fuck wid me and DO NOT fuck wid me!! The first time you have a little tiff (he forgets to call you for a day too long or arrives to the movies an hour too late) ASSERT yourself. Tell him he IS wrong, what he did WAS wrong and that you ain't got no time for his foolishness. Don't cuss him out too bad, cos its too early for that(dn't wori you can play satan later) Then after its all over leave do not call him, make sure u leave it for a few days then call him like nothing happened and carry on with the relationship...(if you've ever been in a realtionship you'll notice that guys do this ALL THE TIME and it works!!)

I've just realised this could be a book rather than a blog so im cut it down into the key things i think you must do to keep your man in line. If you want a book let me know ;o) lol anyhu....

1. If you argue (and this is only if you know he reallly likes you, or loves you - otherwise he'll just bounce!) make sure you always make him feel guilty about what he did. Relate what he did back to a bad childhood experience or maybe if he called you a name - say you were bullied in primary school or suttin, just so he feels the guilt. Then play the victim. Any guy with a heart can not continue acting up if he feels like a high school bully. (Unless he has no soul... in wihch case leave him before he fucks you up sooo bad u end up wid no soul! )

2. If he does something and it makes you cry - find the strength, after the tears n long chats wid ur gurlies and......... CUSS HIS RASS!!! i mean up and down, left and right, verbally assasinate his character. I've found that once a man is scared of your mouf he ain't gna keep givin u a reason to run it! In other words he will quickly pull his finger out and do the shit you tell him to do, cos he'd rather have to buy you a gift for valentines than listen to you complain for the next year about what he did not buy you for valentines!!

3. Make sure that when things are cool between you you treat him like a king! I no you didn't think you'd hear that from me but i learnt that being mean all the time is not the key to sucess. Your man needs to know that he's loved, needs to know that you got his back, that u'll give him a massage and cook him suttin to nyam ON DEMAND IF he treats you right. (yes, fellas ladies will give u d VIP treatment but u have to earn it from a real woman!)

It goes like this - he behaves you treat him like a king and he gets everything he wants, in the kitchen, the bedroom, or wherever else he wants it. But if his ass misbehaves, stops callin like he used to or even tries to raise his voice, or have some hoochie call his fone when ur wid him -----> he knows what time it is!! His ass is gna get cussed out for a gd 2/3 days and when he's tired, u run ur mouf, when he's hungry u gon run your mouth, n when he needs you - ur no where to be found!!

Sounds evil right? WRONG!! men, women, children have some things in common:
FEAR is power
Everyone can be conditioned into behaving a certain way
A good teacher can teach ANY lesson they want to.
Those who play the game..... win!!

These are the lessons and the key ways to just make sure that ur man doesn't forget that you are the boss of you! He does not own you, and you are not a commodity, he can't just buy you then neglect you and still think your gona stick around! He has to keep up the gd work and keep showin d love...... oh n he shud neva think that he runs your life! This is very important - your man is not the be all and end all. Yea you can rearrange plans for him sometimes, but don't let it be one of those: he says jump, you say how high things! That ish is not cute and after a while he WILL get bored and cheat or just leave you!

OK, finally you need to know that if your man is or might be a Chris Brown, beat-ur-ass-up-and-down-the-sidewalk-in-public kina brother - this will NOT work!!! (lol i have to laugh cos its obvious but some people overlook the obvious - *clears throat* rihanna)-political announcement: im sori that was mean domestic violence is a serious issue and it is never acceptable. OK moving on.....

Also if you man is a lot smarter than you, like always has an answer for everything you say (you no them smart mouf muvas) ........ do not let him talk his way around you. This is how you deal with it: it has to be on your terms and you have to know what the fuck your gna say(even if you have to write it down read it out over the phone then hang up so he'd can't give ur mind a gd hot wuk n fuck wid ur head!). I cannot stand a chick who's like 'babes i need to talk to you' then he looks at you ...... and u gt sweet FA to say! First of all your gna annoy him cos ur wasting his time and secondly, he might think your scared to say what you need to say - which may lead him to believe that your weak! please note: Weakness is NOT cute! (Oh yea guys i know this isn't really the kina blog u will support but if u can keep it real and tell the ladies that weak, is not cute!)

Anyways this is just an introduction try these steps and tips: in a sensible way!! and let me know what you think. It's worked for all ma friends (like to think i've healed and saved alot of relationships) if it works with you, let me know.

Cherie Amour
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**Just 4 Fun